did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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