I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
