is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
