i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
