I'm lost and stupid without you.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
