she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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