So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
