Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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