How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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