Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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