Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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