i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
