pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
