I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize