I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
