I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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