I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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