Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
