so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
