I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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