I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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