I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize