I wish I only lived at night.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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