a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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