***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
