Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
