my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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