News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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