I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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