He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
