Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize