i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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