to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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