you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
