i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
