That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
