i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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