I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
