I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
