I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize