why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
