Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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