dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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