I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
