We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
