So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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