in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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