Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
God, I missed his penis.
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