What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
