also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
