Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
