respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
