It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
