So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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