My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
