update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
