So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
