i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
