What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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