it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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