I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Plan B is the new Plan A
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
