You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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