i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
sex in a hospital.. check
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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