I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
