I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
