Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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