make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
