why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
