someone owes me an orgasm
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
